There’s a reason why half the world doesn’t believe that armed gunmen stormed into Kim Kardashian’s super-secure Paris lair on Sunday night and made off with $10 million in jewels.
Because it’s too good to be true.
Here’s what we know: Kim Kardashian claims that five masked men stormed into her room, tied her up at gunpoint, threatened to kill her before she begged for her life, and then stole more than $10 million in jewels before fleeing on bikes.
She then somehow broke free of her bondage and called her husband Kanye West, possibly while he was onstage at a concert in Queens, prompting him to abruptly cancel the remainder of the show. He returned to Manhattan to wait out the storm.
Wow! It’s a made for TV story. And won’t it be amazing when it airs when “Keeping up with the Kardashians” returns (wouldn’t you know) on Oct. 23!
But here’s the problem: when it comes to the Kardashians, the media simply can’t keep up. Indeed, our normal skepticism and usual methods for checking basic facts disappear.
The entire story so far is based on an unnamed Kardashian “rep” and paraphrased synopses from French authorities.
If this happened in New York, the police commissioner, the mayor and the Manhattan DA would have had three press conferences and surveillance shots of the alleged men would have already been transmitted to every phone in the country. And the city’s papers would be rushing to beat each other with scoops.
News flash: Paris is exactly like New York (except with better croissants). So why are its media and authorities so slow on this story?
Because something’s not right. This doesn’t feel like a heist. It feels like a plot twist for a season premiere. Why did West stop his concert mid-rap, citing a “family emergency,” yet not rush to Paris to be with his distraught wife?
Why did Kim leave the City of Light mere hours after she was supposedly interviewed by Paris cops?
Where is the concierge who was accosted by the gunmen before giving them access to the Kardashian aerie? And who is he or she?
Where are the surveillance pictures? (Oh, it turns out, there wasn’t any, Interesting…)
What kind of thieves flee on bikes?
No wonder former Kimye bodyguard Steve Stanulis, an ex-cop, told my colleague Brian Niemietz that “it wouldn’t surprise me” if the story is partly a hoax.
“If it is true,” he added, “someone should tell Kim not to go on Snapchat telling everyone where you’re going and what you’re going to wear.” (On Tuesday, even Justice Stephen Breyer of the Supreme freakin’ Court questioned whether Kardiashian was actually robbed.)
The latest incident comes days after some other shockingly bad Kardashian fact-checking. After Kim was allegedly assaulted by red-carpet predator Vitalii Sediuk, there were many reports that Kim would file a complaint against Sediuk with Paris authorities. But all the reports were unsubstantiated: indeed, Kardashian has not filed such a complaint.
Remember, this is a family that will stoop as low as it can for high ratings. Never forget: this clan took a person’s struggle with gender identity from the private setting in which it belongs and turned it into a TV show.
So forgive me if I’m skeptical until someone gives me solid information. And by “someone,” I don’t mean Kris Jenner.